


By the Portrait Hole

by RachelisTheWendyBird



Series: In the Life of Severus Snape [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Complicated Relationships, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Male-Female Friendship, Mistakes, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-09
Updated: 2014-03-09
Packaged: 2018-01-15 04:58:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1292278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RachelisTheWendyBird/pseuds/RachelisTheWendyBird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The third in scene in Sev's life, in which he attempts to apologize to Lily after calling her a Mudblood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	By the Portrait Hole

Severus walked swiftly down the dark corridor. It was very late. He knew that if he ran into a teacher, he would be in serious trouble. But at the moment he did not care. He had to do this. He could not, he would not, leave things the way they were. He just had to make up with her. She had to forgive him. He did not think he could live with his mistake if she didn’t.

Severus walked on, determined yet terrified. His own terrible guilt and his absolute loathing of James Potter pierced him with every step. Potter, who had made his life miserable from the moment they both set foot in Hogwarts. And for what reason? Because he existed. But Severus tried to push James Potter out of his mind. Lily was all that mattered right now. Severus quickened his pace, and did not slow until he could see his destination; the portrait of the Fat Lady. The entrance to the Gryffindor common room.

Here Severus finally did stop, for he wasn’t sure what to do next. He had to get in to talk to Lily, but he highly doubted that the Fat Lady would let him in without a password. He stood there, thinking. He had to do it. There was no other way. The Fat Lady regarded him silently, her eyebrows raised. Severus shifted his weight nervously and asked, hesitantly, 

“Can I go in?”

“Do you have a password?” she asked.

“No,” he replied, scowling.

“Well, then, you can’t go in,” she replied, irritated. Severus had expected this, but it angered him nonetheless. He glanced around furtively; the corridor was still deserted. 

“Listen,” he said, stepping closer to the Fad Lady’s portrait, “I need to get in. I need to see Lily, I have to talk to her.” His words came in a rush now, and it was hard to keep the desperation out of his voice. 

“If you can’t let me in, then could you send her out to me? Tell her I need to talk to her. Please,” He added imploringly.

“I’m sorry,” she said stubbornly. “You will just have to wait until you next see her if you want to talk to her.” 

Severus stood there, glaring, infuriated by her refusal. He turned away from the Fat Lady, scowling, and trying to resist the temptation to draw his wand. He leaned his shoulder against the cold, stone, wall of the corridor, his arms crossed. He would not give up this easily, but he did not know what to do next. He was so lost in thought, he didn’t notice the sound of approaching footsteps until he heard a voice from just behind him.

“What are you doing here?” the voice said.

Severus spun around, drawing his wand. He ended up face to face with a girl with long, dark blond hair pulled back away from her face in a half-up half-down style. It was Mary Macdonald. He did not respond, just stood there staring. Her appearance had caught him off guard. 

“I said, what are you doing here, Snivellus?” she demanded, glaring at him as though he had done her a great personal wrong.

Severus jerked his head slightly, as though trying to shake off and irksome fly. The name stung. It was only a stupid nickname, but Severus had known nothing but unkind words all his life. As he stowed his wand back into his cloak, he remembered how Lily had spat the same loathsome nickname at him only hours ago. But he tried not to think about that, as it only sent a fresh wave of guilt and sadness crashing over him. Instead he cleared his throat and addressed Mary Macdonald.

“I want to talk to Lily. Can you let me in?” he asked.

“No,” she said flatly, almost before he had finished speaking. “Although, I’m surprised you would ask. James and his mates are probably still in the common room, and they would love nothing better than to jinx you into a jelly with no other witnesses besides fellow Gryffindors. It’s no more than you deserve,” she muttered as an afterthought. 

She continued to glare at Severus, as though she expected him to argue, but he did not. He had not thought about Potter and his mates being in there, too. She was probably right.

“Well, then, can’t you send her out here?” he asked, frustrated, tugging uncomfortably at the frayed sleeve of his second-hand robes. “Can’t you tell her that I’m out here, and I need to talk to her?” Mary was really starting to aggravate him. Didn’t he have enough to worry about already? Did her stubbornness really need to be added to the list? He just had to talk to Lily.

“No,” Mary said firmly, with a small smile that suggested she enjoyed being unhelpful. “You’ll have to wait until tomorrow if you want to talk to her.” She pushed Severus out of the way and approached the portrait hole.

“No!” Severus gasped, panicking. He reached out and grabbed Mary Macdonald’s arm to stop her. “Please, you have to—”

But Mary wrenched her arm from his grasp and shouted angrily, “I don’t have to do anything for you! Now get away from me!” She turned back towards the Fat Lady’s portrait.

“Fine!” Severus shouted, throwing up his hands in pure exasperation. “Don’t tell her! I—I’ll stay out here all night if I have to!” he called desperately after her as she disappeared into the Gryffindor common room. The portrait hole swung shut again, and Severus was once again alone in the corridor.

He stood there for a few moments, breathing hard. Then he walked back towards the wall and leaned his shoulder against the cold stone once again. His greasy black hair fell into his face like a dark curtain. He would stay out here all night if it came to that. As he stood there, he replayed the scene that had unfolded under the beech tree over and over again in his mind. It managed to sting him every time.

Suddenly he heard the sound of a hinge creaking behind him, and turned to see the portrait hole swinging open, and Lily climbing out of it.

Severus stood there, gazing at her. She was wearing a green dressing gown that matched her eyes perfectly. She stood in front of the Fad Lady, arms folded. She stared at him, eyes cold. She was waiting for him to speak.

Severus stepped towards her, took a deep breath and said, with as much sincerity as he could, “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not interested,” she replied.

“I’m sorry!”

“Save your breath.”

Her eyes still bore into his with that terrible, cold look. He could not bear that look. He had to explain, she had to forgive him, but before he could begin, Lily spoke again.

“I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here.”

“I was,” Severus said quickly, internally grateful that Mary actually had decided to say something to Lily. “I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just—”

“Slipped out?” There was no pity in Lily’s voice, just as there was none in her eyes. “It’s to late. I’ve made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater Friends—you see, you don’t even deny it! You don’t even deny that’s what you’re all aiming to be! You can’t wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?”

Severus opened his mouth, but closed it without speaking. He did not know what to say. She didn’t miss much.

“I can’t pretend anymore. You’ve chosen your way, I’ve chosen mine.”

“No!” Severus cried, and his voice sounded strangled. He felt as though the world around him was crumbling, threatening to cave in. “Listen, I didn’t mean—”

“To call me Mudblood?” she retorted. “But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?”

Severus struggled on the verge of speech, but Lily turned away.

“You made this choice, Sev,” she murmured. Severus thought she sounded almost regretful.

Lily climbed back through the portrait hole. Severus tried to follow, calling out for her, but the portrait hole swung shut, leaving him alone in the corridor. He stood there for a moment, then leaned against the wall of the corridor, his forehead and hands pressing against the stones. He wanted nothing more than to pass through and join Lily on the other side. He shook with suppressed sobs, and tears fell thick and fast from his dark eyes. Slowly, he slid down to his knees and pressed his face into his hands. He felt the loss of his friend, his joy, and his light like the loss of the brightest star in all the heavens. 

After a while, Severus was able to stop crying. He stood and walked numbly back to the Slytherin common room. When he got back he found that the common room was not yet empty, despite the late hour. He could see his fellow fifth-year Slytherins gathered in a corner, muttering darkly. Good, he thought. That meant the dormitory was empty. No one spoke to him as he crossed the common room and climbed the stairs. When he entered the dormitory he noticed a small, white object lying on his bed.

Severus rushed over to it, and gasped. It was a lily. The white lily he had given to his Lily last Christmas. Hand trembling, he reached out to pick it up. Attached to it was a note reading, “remember me.”

Severus stared at it, feeling tears falling anew down his pale cheeks. What did it mean? Was she trying to tell him that he still had a friend in her, if only he’d change his ways? Did she still care for him, and wished to give him a piece of herself to hold on to? Or was she returning the flower because she no longer desired to have anything to do with him? Severus didn’t know. But as he held the lily in his hands he couldn’t feel like this was the end. He was glad to have the flower, because it was a piece of Lily no matter what she meant by returning it to him. The everlasting spell that had been completed when she accepted it was still in effect, but Severus had expected that. He had ensured that the only thing capable of breaking the spell would be one of their deaths. He thought back to all the beautiful memories he had with Lily. Surely that couldn’t be forever shattered by his one mistake? A foolish hope, he thought. But who on earth can ignore the sun?


End file.
